I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
