I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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