like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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