I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
