All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
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and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
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Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.