So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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