your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
