I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
