And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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