dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
