We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
