Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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