I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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