hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
