Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
