Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
