I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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