I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
