I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
