how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We need to rekindle our bromance
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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