I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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