If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
