I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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