Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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