I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
