remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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