you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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