I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
