The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
