Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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