I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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