He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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