In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
