Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
