um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
