I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
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