we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
