see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
