you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
