When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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