Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His hands were made for my vagina.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
