i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
