How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
