Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
