i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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