I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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