can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
