I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
