Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
