when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she peed on how many people?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.