I have demons in me.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
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Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So vagazzling was a success
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.