Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
