I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize