she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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