Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
