from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
