You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
