there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
