My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
