Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
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I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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